A letter to a lost love.

"My love is like a star; by time you notice it, I'm long gone."

Our love from the start was like a fire

We made everyone around us Jealous

They looked up to us

Wanted a love like ours

 Our love couldn't be broken

Somewhere down the line, what we thought would never break broke

As hard as we tried to fight, one fought harder than the other

We said things, did things and blamed one another

The laughs stopped 

The fights begin

We didn't make love anymore

We fucked to make up

Somewhere down the road we fell out of love 

I'm sorry you took so long to appreciate my love for you

I'm sorry you thought you had to find yourself in someone else

while you left me alone and heartbroken

I spent years trying to win you back

After all this time fighting, I gave up 

I realized I deserve more, better, that love we once had 

I didn't go looking; but I found that in someone else

They make me feel the way you used to, but stronger 

I look forward to the laughs we share

The moments when we are naked with each other 

Not skin naked but naked with our souls

Those moments where we are so close we wonder how we ever lived without each other 

They make me feel a way I can't explain 

I Just know that I love that I can be myself

I always had to change for you, 

I was never good enough for you

When you tried to make me change 

I became stuck in this dark hole

I was trying to climb out 

you would knock me back down

You held my head under water 

I was gasping for air 

I don't feel like that anymore

I can breathe

I love

I shine

I am starting to truly love myself

I'm not afraid

Although I miss you

I wanted to say thank you

Thank you for being in my life for the last 7 years

Thank you for showing me there was more than the life I once lived

Thank you for believing in everyone of my dreams

More than anything thank you for showing me who I am and what I want with my life

Thank you for teaching me what I want and don't want in a lover

Thank you for giving me this chance to not regret you

Because I don't regret one moment spent with you

I hope for nothing but the best for you

I hope we can run into each other down the road and smile 

Until that time, I'm going to continue to live with no regrets and travel, follow my dreams 

Love with a fire so strong 

It sparks a flame so big it sets the world on fire!

Taylor Swift- White Horse

Self Worth

Sam: Why do I and everyone I love pick people who treat us like we're nothing?

Charlie: We accept the love we think we deserve.

- Perks of Being A Wallflower

I've been thinking a lot lately about self worth, and how many of us settle for less than we deserve. Two years ago, I broke up with the person I thought and still think I will spend the rest of my life with. It’s been almost seven years that we would have still been together. In that seven years we learned so much about each other and ourselves. We went through hell and back and supported each other during our struggles and encouraged one another when we wanted to give up or didn't believe in ourselves. Just like any other couple that loves each other something become too much in our lives and we need time apart in that type of way. we still remain the greatest of friends till this day. We broke up for many reasons, It was a mutual agreement knowing one day we would probably get back together. I broke up with him because of all the arguing and many other things. He tells me still to this day that we broke up because I needed to grow up and learn to love myself or nobody will.

            Over these last two years, I have been changing drastically and growing and learning to love myself in ways I never thought I could. I have more confidence in a professional way, I try my hardest to keep up my GPA, I stand by what I’m passionate about and never let anyone talk me down from it. I tell myself every day that if I’m having a bad day its okay because everyone has bad days and tomorrow is a new day to start over. Spiritually I can feel a change, I believe more in myself, in the reason why I was put on this earth and more than anything I am able to look in the mirror and tell myself that I am beautiful inside and out.

            During this journey I have realized a lot of things in my life, one of the most important is choose wisely whom you give your time to. I watch many people and loved ones spend their time with the wrong person. A person who disrespects them, mentally, physically and emotionally and then continues to spend their time that’s not guaranteed tomorrow with that person.

            I ask myself why someone would want to do that to themselves, and the only thing I can go back to is Its what they think they deserve. In all reality it is the complete opposite. The thing is when you're in a relationship, whither it’s a friendship or your dating someone or even married couples have this probably. At the beginning this person seems to be an amazing person, someone new to talk to, to do new things with. You may have common interest that attracts you to this person, or it’s the way they make you feel when you are around them. In some cases that changes, people become comfortable with you and start to show you their true self and it may not be the person you thought they were.

Why do people stay after all the disrespect? In my opinion I think it’s a couple of reasons 1. They invested so much time into getting to know them. 2. They think they can fix them. Or 3. Because this person has talk so badly about them they start to believe they can’t do any better.  You start to feel stuck, and begin to get depressed and the light you once had starts to fade and all your goals and dreams and hopes you had for yourself start to feel less realistic. You start to believe the worst of yourself, not caring about your future or if you live or die and just sleep your life way because it’s easier to avoid the pain then to run at it head on.

            It’s so hard to watch the people I care so much about settle for less. To remain in a relationship when they know they deserve best. The person I love with every part of me is now getting the life sucked out of him and it kills me knowing there is nothing I can do about it but sit and watch. In hopes that one day he wakes up and realizes what an amazing man he truly is, I hope he finds himself again and the light he once had and makes everyone of his dreams come true. He just has to get rid of all the negativity and let the light in again.

I care deeply for the people around me and hate to see them go through what I have for the last 26 years of my life.  But the truth is, nobody can change your life but you and there is no better time than now. I hate that I wasted so much time crying over my past when it took up the time I could have used to make a better future for myself. I hope you all learn from my mistakes and treat each day as its your last, take care of yourself and never let anyone put you down even if its your friend, significant other or family member.  You are a special person no matter what anybody says and you were put on this earth for a reason. Don't spend your time with people that don’t see that or support you and your dreams and help you get through your struggles. These are the things that test a relationship and if its going to last. If they can't be there though all the bad times they sure don't deserve to be there when you are on the top!

So go out there and be the best person you can be, and don't forget to let the RIGHT people in your life and kick out the toxic ones. It will be hard especially if you invested so much of your time on them but it will be with it in the long run!

NEVER SETTLE FOR LESS!!

“Just because someone desires you, does not mean that they value you.” 

—  Boonaa Mohamme

Colbie Caillate- Try

The Rain is Pouring Down.

When I was little I used to ask my mother why It was raining. She would go on to tell me that God is crying for us, I never understood until now. 

When I was a little girl I would ask my mother silly questions all the time to drive her nuts, just like any other child. It must have been a long rainy spring and all I wanted was the sun to come back out. I asked her why it was raining, thats when she told me when she was little Nana used to tell her it was because God was crying for us. As a child you thought well okay.... why.. 

As time went on I started to see a pattern with the weather, although my moods change with the weather and knowing I live with seasonal depression I started to really think about what I was told. Without a doubt every time I was having a really bad day and couldn't stop crying the rain would start pouring down. When I started to stop the rain would slowly slow down as the tears slowly started to slow down. 

This has happened my entire life, I have always enjoyed thunderstorms. Most people think I am crazy wishing for thunderstorms, but I get a calming feeling from them. I think its because most of the time I wish for them at that moment I am extremely angry.  Have you ever been so angry you smashed a glass or put your fist through something, or for anyone that has ever cut themselves, that calming feeling of relief and the anger that is released. Thats how I feel during a thunderstorm when the rumbling sound the lightning makes when it hits something. 

I'm suffering from Anxiety and depression it feels like its taking over my life, I'm struggling everyday to get up in the morning just to do everyday things like going to class and being able to be productive. Everyday things that should be a walk in the park. Then I start to think about all those people out there that can't even get an education or don't have a roof over their heads or struggle to feed themselves and it makes me feel like an even worse person to even be sad when I am able to do all the things some can't. I've fought my entire life to get where I am and It sometimes feels like its not enough. 

I ask myself why am I still not happy... I remember when my biggest worries were how I was going to keep a roof over my head and how I was going to feed myself next. I don't have to worry about that now.. Why do I still get sad.. Why is it still hard for me to get out of bed to do the one thing I enjoy doing the most, baking or even cooking.. 

It kills me everyday to find myself telling myself or people I love, how much I hate everything and maybe I'm not good enough for them, this major, this school, my job, someone to love me, or even to be alive. This is real sadness and pain when you get so sad and depressed from your own thoughts, and as much as you try to forget them and tell yourself its not true something always seems to remind you or make you think that all those negative thoughts are true. Its an endless battle, between what people see me as and how I feel inside. I would give anything to be able to see the person the people around me see, and not only see it but feel it! I would give anything to be able to see the light, to take this pain away. 

This feels like an endless battle that will never end, but as low as I may feel the feeling of hope and knowing I will change someones life is stronger. As my best friend keeps reminding me "Summer is just around the corner, you will start to feel better once the sun comes out more." Although I know this is true, it just seems like its forever away. But for now God will be crying with me, until I see that light that everyone sees in me.


If you know anyone that feels this way, don't push them away. Let them know you care, most of the time you don't even need to talk just sit there in silence with them, sometimes that makes all the difference. Let them know they aren't alone!