The Rain is Pouring Down.

When I was little I used to ask my mother why It was raining. She would go on to tell me that God is crying for us, I never understood until now. 

When I was a little girl I would ask my mother silly questions all the time to drive her nuts, just like any other child. It must have been a long rainy spring and all I wanted was the sun to come back out. I asked her why it was raining, thats when she told me when she was little Nana used to tell her it was because God was crying for us. As a child you thought well okay.... why.. 

As time went on I started to see a pattern with the weather, although my moods change with the weather and knowing I live with seasonal depression I started to really think about what I was told. Without a doubt every time I was having a really bad day and couldn't stop crying the rain would start pouring down. When I started to stop the rain would slowly slow down as the tears slowly started to slow down. 

This has happened my entire life, I have always enjoyed thunderstorms. Most people think I am crazy wishing for thunderstorms, but I get a calming feeling from them. I think its because most of the time I wish for them at that moment I am extremely angry.  Have you ever been so angry you smashed a glass or put your fist through something, or for anyone that has ever cut themselves, that calming feeling of relief and the anger that is released. Thats how I feel during a thunderstorm when the rumbling sound the lightning makes when it hits something. 

I'm suffering from Anxiety and depression it feels like its taking over my life, I'm struggling everyday to get up in the morning just to do everyday things like going to class and being able to be productive. Everyday things that should be a walk in the park. Then I start to think about all those people out there that can't even get an education or don't have a roof over their heads or struggle to feed themselves and it makes me feel like an even worse person to even be sad when I am able to do all the things some can't. I've fought my entire life to get where I am and It sometimes feels like its not enough. 

I ask myself why am I still not happy... I remember when my biggest worries were how I was going to keep a roof over my head and how I was going to feed myself next. I don't have to worry about that now.. Why do I still get sad.. Why is it still hard for me to get out of bed to do the one thing I enjoy doing the most, baking or even cooking.. 

It kills me everyday to find myself telling myself or people I love, how much I hate everything and maybe I'm not good enough for them, this major, this school, my job, someone to love me, or even to be alive. This is real sadness and pain when you get so sad and depressed from your own thoughts, and as much as you try to forget them and tell yourself its not true something always seems to remind you or make you think that all those negative thoughts are true. Its an endless battle, between what people see me as and how I feel inside. I would give anything to be able to see the person the people around me see, and not only see it but feel it! I would give anything to be able to see the light, to take this pain away. 

This feels like an endless battle that will never end, but as low as I may feel the feeling of hope and knowing I will change someones life is stronger. As my best friend keeps reminding me "Summer is just around the corner, you will start to feel better once the sun comes out more." Although I know this is true, it just seems like its forever away. But for now God will be crying with me, until I see that light that everyone sees in me.


If you know anyone that feels this way, don't push them away. Let them know you care, most of the time you don't even need to talk just sit there in silence with them, sometimes that makes all the difference. Let them know they aren't alone!

The Last Shimmer Of Hope.

This is the Real me. 

Many of you that may think you know me think that i'm this happy girl that is always smiling and laughing,but you the truth is you don't know me at all. But the ones that get to see the real me, know my broken self hating girl that is trying to find herself. Many of you who think you know me don't. I can count on one hand on how many people I have let see the happy the sad good and bad, the self destructive, self loathing, depressed girl I am deep down inside. But you see they also get to see my hopes, dreams, and my heart that gives with no expectations.

My dreams to make a difference, trust me I'm no fool I know you have to change yourself before you can change the world. But something I've come to realize is that sometimes the world can change you, sometimes for the good and sometimes it breaks you down, with only a little shimmer of hope to lift you back up.

I have and am going through more than most of you know, I am fighting for what I deserve and have always wanted! With many sacrifices along the way, and choices I never thought I would have to make.

I am fighting for not only better than what I was given, but for my children and for the future generations that has felt and will feel the same way I have. So they know that although you may feel like you're drowning trying to reach for one last breath, to fight for that shimmer of hope because sometimes its that last breath that pushes you back to the top, to try again.

There is a reason I have been obsessed with Beyoncé's new album, her whole album is amazing, but these two songs really hit home. Fight for what you want. Fight until you your dreams become reality. It will all be worth it in the end. That is what I intend to do!

I'm not saying this for all of you to feel bad for me, I don't need the pity, I say this for the many young boys and girls that are struggling with the same things. and to let you know DON'T GIVE UP, hold on just a little longer and continue to fight. You will come out in the end stronger than you ever thought you would!

A good friend of Mine told me
"It's okay to fail, you learn from failure" - Michele Haughton

Beyoncè- Self-Titled, Part 2.